I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
