In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
