just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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