If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
