New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
