Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
