R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
