Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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