In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
