I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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