At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Randomize
