At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
