Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
