Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
