Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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