I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
