batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
