You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
