k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
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