Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize