girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize