I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
