is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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