can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
