I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
