my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
