you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
