I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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