Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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