I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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