Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
