some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Randomize
