i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I think my fart just growled at me.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize