I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
