Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
