dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
