I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
