That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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