I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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