Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
