He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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