you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
