we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
