my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Dicks are not precious.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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