I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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