i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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