he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
