seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
