I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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