my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
