So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
