One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
