shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
