i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
