Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
