I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
