why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
