i wish my penis had a tongue
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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