seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize