my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
